Five years ago I tried to kill myself. Four years ago I tried to kill myself. Three years ago I tried to kill myself. Two years ago I tried to kill myself too. And still suicide is haunting me like a wild animal haunts its pray, wildly and passionately. It is in my blood and being. It is in loneliness and nothingness. And that’s why sometimes I just want to annihilate my being or my existence and end it once and forever.
Why should I suffer like Hamlet and recite his famous lines, “to be or not to be,” in my mind over and over again? Why? Why shouldn’t I burn up myself like a shooting star and stop all pain and suffer that makes my blood boil and toil in the agony of being and nothingness? Why not?
Oh! The “why” the “what” and the “how” now make sense. Now that I came to my senses, I just remembered that five years ago I moved to London. To remind you, London is the biggest and largest city of Europe. Here you find women from 15 minutes to one night. You find friends from one hour to one day only. It depends on the interest that this friend has on you.
And here you also find jobs that say, “lasciate ogni autonomia, voi che entrate – leave, ye that enter in, all autonomy behind!
This is London, my friends! It is the city where no one cares for no one. Yet they call it “socialism.” This is the city where no one is going to say you in the weekend: “What are you doing tonite? Or how are you? Or how’s your week?” Yet they call it “humanism.”
But I call it “paper-ism.”
Here people are equal to a piece of paper. Like robots they wander around Green Park, May Fair or Soho. Mechanically they go to work and mechanically they return from work. They have no joy or taste of being in their hearts. ‘A pint of beer is for them a great love or perhaps their everything.
‘High taxes, high bills and high living expenses are things that they never question.’ ‘Immigrants, the poor and the homeless are for them a big problem! These people are just like machines. They work automatically. And their only food is the “big media.” Whatever that comes from the big media is true and real, and it is their only knowing and knowledge and their consciousness too. They are controlled just like the fake characters in the computer games are. Still for on thing no one can fool them. And it is on money. The power of money for them is everything.
This is London. And, here people are turned, but into lifeless objects with no other feeling and thought out of this paper, out of money. Here love means money. Friendship means money. To be a human means money, and everything else means money. Everything is reduced to this paper. And still they make bla bla bla on TVs, theatres and cinemas, pretending to be respectable humans! The dignityless and narcissistic humans of the now.
But this is London, my friends! It is the city of masters and slaves. It is the city of shepherds and of the sheep that bleat “yea” to good and “yea” to evil. But without having the picture of good and evil in their minds. Here everything is devoid of humanity and devoid of humanism. Here nothing makes sense out of money or this “paper-ism.”
This is the philosophy of the now, my friends!
Now that I came to my senses and opened my eyes through continual listening and learning, now I understand that big cities in general and London in particular isolates weak men, opens a grave for them and gives everything to those that have power and fame.
This is London and a base, unequal capitalism that we are part of, my friends.
And this city as every big city isolates you, weak man. It enslaves you and kills you within and without. This is London. This is our lifeless and spiritless world. This is the highest stage of capitalism. That is to say everything should be given to the “1% at the top. Even respect, even affection, even care and even women and everything else for the “1% at the top!
This is London, the symbolism of a degenerated capital. A metaphor for the walking dead! And a simile for an emotionless juggernaut!
A city and a world of careerists and consumerists that want everything for themselves! A city and a world of greed and hate and negativity and profound evil.
That’s what the sophists and hypocrites of the now call humanism. They call a total human alienation and degeneration “humanism!” And this is mad as the action of turning “us” into a piece of paper is. This is mad as the now pretty well is.
But the living beings want the living beings. And the deed must want the dead too, as long as they are not coming back to re-live their lives.” That’s what I understood and thought every time that I tried to end my life.
How can they isolate the weak like this? And how do they dare and shout with big words and high-sounding speeches on big TVs and Radios that promote the agenda of master and slave?
My friends, what did you think that this city or that one immoral and unethical capitalism is for a fragile and sensible Tonio Kröger or Stephen Dedalus?
My friends, if you thought so then you are wrong. You are totally wrong. Big cities are for the beasts and the big fish. My precious world friends!
Have you ever heard “A European Beast” shouting “growth” “growth” and “growth?” And yes, this aristocratic “Beast” means that it is high time for the poor to get poorer and the rich to get richer. This “Beast” means that, with prices rocketing, his dream will come true – masters at the top, slaves at the bottom. The dream of every political Beast!
Our world! The world of suffer and pain and master and slave. Our world! The world that humans push humans to isolation and suicide, just to get away with their greed and hate that seems to be rooted in their hearts from time immemorial.
Our world with a past Jean Paul Sartre that with the Second World War on his shoulder and stiffened from massacres and instruments of torture and gas chambers of his time spoke of isolation like a robot speaks to a human, automatically. He was mechanic, automatic and cruel to his ‘other’ ideas and his humanistic vision.
And we, the folks of the present day world, that are living the remnants of a barbaric capitalist history and the leftovers of the First, the Second World War and every war, we now have lost all feeling and sense of being a human.
But the irony is that we pretend to be living like “humans!” We pretend to be “humanists!” Still the rules are made by the “paper-ism.”
And if exploitation and greed are the qualities and the way of the powerful man, then suicide is the option of the weak. And creativity and ideas to change the world are the dreams and the works of the true artists and creators.
Still the artist of the now hovers in between suicide and existence. And the artist of the future will have the same destiny, if we leave behind an unchanged legacy!
Isolation means, but suicide.